5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman Book Summary

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The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts

  •  The 5 Love Languages are:

o Words of Affirmation

o Acts of Service

o Quality Time

o Gifts

o Physical Touch

  •  Languages of Love depend on how you were raised.

o Most people were raised with one or two languages, and then marry someone who has other languages.

o This can cause confusion. People think they’re being great to their partner, but they’re often only doing what they’d want done to/for themselves- instead of really thinking about what their partner’s needs are

  •  The key is to know your language of love, communicate it, and be aware of your partner’s language of love.
  •  Then, speak in your partner’s language of love on an ongoing basis for a long period of time (eg. > 6 months) with no expectation in return.
  •  The problem with the “in love experience” is that it is totally unrealistic.

o When you are falling in love, everything is about serving your partner. You allow your world to revolve around your partner- often at the expense of your other responsibilities and relationships. Average in-love experience lasts around 2 years.

o It is excessive and unrealistic.

  •  You need to learn the languages of love to survive a relationship in the real world.
  •  1) words of appreciation.

o Try noticing and complimenting things that your partner does, even if those things are already expected and within their responsibility.

o Encourage and be positive to people for doing what they should be doing anyway.

o Ideas:

  • Compliments
  •  Compliment your spouse daily without any expectation of anything in return
  • Encouragement
  • Kindness
  •  Kindness is the way you say things.
  •  You can even express disappointment in an honest and kind away. “I am disappointed that you didn’t help me this evening.”

o Babbling brook (someone who talks a lot) and Dead Sea (someone who only listens).

  • Advice…track feelings and limit to 3 things…
  •  2) Quality time

o Talking to each other…and doing activities together. Focused, uninterrupted.

o Engage in the other person’s interests

  •  3) Acts of service.

o changing diapers, taking out garbage, cooking, etc

o Even if it is already expected and within their responsibility, it’s still an act of love and service

  •  4) Receiving gifts.

o Gift giving transcends cultures

o Note: You can’t make demands and love. You can only make requests.

o It should always be a request and not a demand.

  • With criticism and demands- when people finally do things, it will not be out of love- just acquiescence and avoidance for more nagging.
  • Make requests out of love.
  • Criticism is an ineffective way of describing what is emotionally important to you in the realm of love
  •  5) Physical touch

o Physical affection of any kind- holding hands, hand on a shoulder, ruffling hair, hugs, kisses, etc.

  •  Ways to discover your love language are to

o See when you criticize what love language are you seeking

o Picture the ideal mate and to see what’s most prominent in your mind about that person- what do they do/say?  

  •  Check your spouse’s “love tank” three times a week to gauge how loved they’re feeling and how well you’re communicating in their love language.

o Have them rate it from 0- empty to 10- full.

o If your spouse is at 10 every day then you know that you’re doing good job.

  •  Try different love languages each week and see which gets the most response from your partner

·  The expression of love in your spouse’s love language unconditionally over the long term is the key to success

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